It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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