Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
