I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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