we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's rum buckets o'clock
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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