she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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