Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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