Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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