So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
