Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
