saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sponge bath it is.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize