Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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