Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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