Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
