and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
