My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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