I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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