drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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