omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
