Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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