I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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