I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
