she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
where are my eyebrows?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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