Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
