I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
