I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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