I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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