so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
