Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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