The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
