can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
