apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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