How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
