the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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