I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
should my penis look like a turkey
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
