'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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