I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
