dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize