so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
