he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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