My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
