i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
