can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
When did angry sex become our thing?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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