i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
