I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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