i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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