im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
