and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
