Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
How naked do you want me to be?
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