i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
