perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
