well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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