i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
