so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
