look no pants
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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