is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have already put on my inside pants.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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