I cannot find my penis.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
