i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
