Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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