im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
