If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Randomize
