Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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