This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
